My Life as a Visa Quota Spy

By: Dee Sparate

January 5 - Turn to divine intervention. I have tried praying to Jehovah, Shiva, Allah, Vishnu and Buddha and still no word from any official Italian authority as to whether or not there still exists any quota for 2002 autonomous worker visas. The Gods remain silent. Maybe the Befana will bring me good news? So that I can finally turn in all my notarized, stamped, sealed, apostillized documents into the Consulate in Washington DC so that I can finally be on my way to Florence to start my new adventure.

January 6 - Nothing new in my Befana e-mail sock and my U.S. employer raises an skeptical eyebrow and wants to know “ Just when is it you are actually intending on resigning and moving 6,000 miles away?” As I embarrassingly slink back to my desk, it’s obvious I shouldn’t have shot so many spitballs at the nuns and priests during my parochial school days.

Later that same day - I send off frantic e-mails to friends talking all kinds of trash about how I’ll sell cigarette lighters in Duomo square if I don’t get this visa; one to my Italian immigration attorney; and one to The Informer each reflecting my slow decay into blithering hysterical female as the countdown to my apartment lease ticks down.

None can console my nervousness or tell me what the quota status truly is. By midnight I begin to hatch my plan.

January 7, 1-am. Chianti induced Gypsy behavior....

Dear Comrades at the Detroit Consulate. My name is Al Doanything,
Can you please tell be the status of the 2002 autonomous worker
visa quotas are there any left and if not, can you tell me when
the 2003 quotas will become available? I will be traveling by camel
to the consulate and don’t want to make the trip if there isn’t any available.

Using multiple fictitious names, and e-mails I quickly copy replicas of this letter and send them off to each Italian Consulate in every available US location that foolishly lists an e-mail address on their homepage.

Delayed Reply from Immigration Attorney with 15 years experience in this field.

"Have pazienze I will send another fax asking
for details as Ihave no news about the "quotas"
closing. I long to have the information too”.

Have pazienze, he says!!!!!!! I begin to pluck my eyebrows out, one by one.

Reply from Los Angeles.

Dear Mr. Don Makeuslaugh,
you will need to bring proof of this, and
documentation of that, between the hours of
this and that, on this day or that day to apply
for this visa or that visa.

No answer to my tired camel question, but I am told emphatically that I must pay the Visa Fee, amount ??????, in cash or money order and report to the questura within 8 days of my arrival once I get to Italy. I swallow a whole pack of Tums and begin to examine how big a greasy spot I’ll leave, if I hurl my body out the window.

No reply from Boston, but I am told on their web site that I must pay $35 for my visa with cash or money order and report to the questura in 7 days of my arrival in Italy. I begin to see the reason why so many prime ministers in Italy choose bribery as a business practice.

Detroit Consulate.....my hope fades as I read

FOR AUTONOMOUS WORK (all types,
including Artistic Work):At present, applications
for autonomous work visas will not be accepted
because all quotas have been filled. We will
update this page with new instructions as soon
as they are made available.

Then I find a slight glimmer of hope - the page shows that it was last updated October 2nd 2001.

Houston .....Nothing.....decide I don't like Texans, even Italian Texans.

Miami - Still no reply but they are running a special! Their visas are only $30.75!

New York City......ahh the city of jokesters. Their website says to call their office between 2 PM and 4 PM for information on Autonomous Worker Visas. Spend 2 solid hours and the phone just rings and rings. (I really begin to wonder what kind of sadistic fool must be sitting at the office listening to this line ring 137 times without answering. Finally after the 138 try, at 4:01 PM I get an answering machine saying I can email my questions to an AOL e-mail. I try the address listed and it bounces back “user unknown”. Here I am told visas cost $29.05 and I should report to the questura within 3 days of my arrival to Italy.

Newark......Refers me to New York City repeat previous steps of insanity, prepare to blow a gasket.

Philadelphia - says if I want detailed information I must send a request by US post.

( As I live in DC This isn't an option)

And just as I begin to think I know the reason for the fall of the Roman Empire.

Chicago:

Dear Cindy,

”We cannot confirm to you that by the time you
will be applying this office will be still accepting
independent work visas or not. Quotas for us
are still available but they could be saturated
tomorrow. We cannot guarantee you that by
the time you applyquotas will still be available.

Best Regards,

Holy Jesus!!!!!!! I don’t live in Chicago’s application zone!

But to those of you that do.....if I were you, I'd head up there quick!!!!!!! And if you beat me to Firenze, you owe me an espresso!